My Powerlessness

I love the Twelve Steps and the pattern they give for change. The first step on the path of recovery is to recognize and admit my powerlessness. No matter how many times I have accepted my lack of power, I continue to encounter new areas of life where I have to admit, once again, that I have absolutely no control.

Recently, I came face to face once again with my inability to manage my own life. My selfishness and pride led me to a point where I was destroying a valuable relationship. I could see it happening, but I couldn't stop myself. Ultimately, the other party chose to walk out of my life. When all was lost, the reality of my choices hit me, and I finally accepted that I needed help.

I was at a low point, and I could think of nothing better to do than to diligently work the Steps. As I turned to God, I felt Him reach out His hand and grab onto me. He pulled me through the pain to a true change of heart. I felt godly sorrow. I was completely honest with myself, God, and others about my wrongs. I made amends as much as I possibly could. I fully repented, and I felt Him heal me.

Even though I felt much more peace, I still felt something was lacking. I had lost the trust of an important person, and I felt horrible about hurting someone I truly cared about. Would this relationship ever be restored? I believed God could work miracles, but how? I wanted everything in my life to feel right, and I wanted to get to that point as quickly as possible.

One day, I was thinking about Step One and asking myself where in my life was I still trying to take charge and not allowing God to lead me? That's when I felt the Spirit speak to me:

You are powerless over your own recovery.

I realized I had been trying to control the process of my recovery. I had turned to God for healing and surrendered this broken part of my life to Him, but I was still trying to tell Him how that healing was going to happen and how long it would take. I had my own ideas about what it would look like for Him to repair the damage I had done. I immediately swallowed my pride and admitted that I was powerless over my own recovery.

I have the power to choose whether or not I will turn to God and surrender my burdens to Him, but I do not get to decide how He heals me. I do not get to say how long it takes. I have to let go of all of it!

I know that He can and will fix my life and the consequences of my mistakes if I continue to turn to Him. I will let Him do it in His way and time. My only area of true power is to give everything to Him, stand back, and let Him do what only He can do.